The Scars I Carry

I now have 2 matching scars on the back of my skull. They are a little longer than 4 inches and run vertically behind my ear to the base of my hairline. The scar on my left side has an indention a good inch deep for about 2 inches of it. The one on the right has begun to sink in as well. I remember the first time I noticed the hole on the left side I freaked out and made Billy look at it. Now I have a Southern man, if you didn’t know, who loves to hunt and fish and does all the nasty stuff that comes along with these hobbies but he cannot hardly feel these indentions without getting the “willies.”

I earned these battle wounds from the war I am fighting against Trigeminal Neuralgia. It has been an ugly war. One I do not know if I will win. I do win a battle here and there but over all I do not know. For almost 3 years now I have fought this invisible enemy.

TN does not fight fairly. It attacks at the worst possible moments and lingers for hours. I have said before that I am one of the few who are lucky enough to have both Atypical and Typical TN and even luckier to have it Bilaterally.

I only have the 2 visible scars but I carry so many unseen that I often cannot stand the load. My day is full of attacks only sometimes seen by those who truly know me. Those who can see that my smile doesn’t reach my eyes because I am so full of pain.

I am a soldier who is unable to fight back. I have my medications but they only dull the pain. And me along with it.

I also carry the guilt of being the weak link in my family. “We can’t do…..Mom feels too bad. is a sentence I wish I never had to hear again. Guilt is heavy.

All I know to do is keep going. I pray that this leaves me.

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4 responses to “The Scars I Carry

  1. Nicole, I have been thinking of you so much lately, I was worried because it has been so long since you last blogged. I hate that the TN continues to be relentless. I just want to let you know that I keep you in my prayers. xo

    • Grace, Thank you so much for letting me know someone is still out there thinking and praying for me-even in my blogging absence. I continue to have an up and down summer. This TN is kicking my tail! 🙂

  2. I’m so sorry you too suffer from bilateral atypical and typical TN. I’m in the same boat, and have been for about 8 years now. I’m about to get my first surgery tomorrow for my left side. I keep asking about what to do when my right side gets bad again and they say “We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.” Sigh. I hope you are doing well, and I wish you the very best.

    • Good luck tomorrow! I pray it helps you tremendously! I will check out your blog right now to find out more about you. While I hate that you are in the same boat it is comforting too know that we are not alone. I’ll be watching for you during your recovery period. Are you doing a MVD or gamma knife?

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