Heavy Heart, Dull Brain, Tired Body

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GriefShare. I have been avoiding this group like the plague but I finally went kicking and screaming to the “Getting Through the Holidays” meeting this morning. I practically signed up earlier this week with my eyes closed just willing myself to go. I stress cleaned last night, had an ongoing horrible nightmare (with an out-of-town husband, mind you), and my alarm did NOT go off this morning but we went! And some how arrived early.

After getting the girls into their meeting I entered Room 107. You know the situation: a room sat up with lots of round tables decorated for the season, coffee, and baked goodies. I felt a huge part of me wanting to back up as I hesitated in the doorway. Oh no, I didn’t know I would have to talk or share. (Never mind the name, GriefShare.) I’m not ready for this!!! screamed inside of me. I semi-bravely made a name tag and grabbed a book. Without any bravery left I stood in front of the room in that empty spot between the welcome table and the multitude of seat options. Do you man-up and go introduce yourself or do you go sit lonely at a table? Today I chose the lonely route.

I am often more brave. I enjoy meeting people. My mom always said I could talk to a tree. And a matter of fact I remember doing so many times as an angry kid. 🙂 But today I faked all my strength for our girls. It stayed in the room with them. So entering Room 107 I was afraid. Afraid of the emotions breaking through the dam I have earnestly built these last 2 years. I felt raw. Unpolished. Knowing that everyone in that room had lost someone had both a comforting and unnerving feel.

Comforting because they know how it feels. How it truly feels to lose a loved one. But for the same reason it was unnerving because I knew I couldn’t hide behind this facade I have so painstakingly built. I guess I looked just like I felt, a scared child, sitting there because an amazing motherly woman came and sat down beside me. And along with her streamed in these wonderful women she knew from their weekly group. God put me at that table I am sure of. These women were all brave, afraid, strong and broken all at the same time. They truly understood how I feel and it was ok to cry. Good thing! 🙂

I now lie here exhausted. Drained. The dam broke.

I will return. I will start the new session in January. I am saying it out loud to you so I can not back out. Also, if you’re wondering, our girls deemed so many wonderful things from attending. Evidently the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. They, too, were holding feelings inside. We have work to do as a family. The holidays will hold an extra challenge this year but The Lord has blessed me with an AMAZING husband and 2 wonderful girls.

WE CAN DO THIS!!!

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