This pain takes up so much stinking energy!!! I try to be aware of the limitations the pain has placed on me. I try to listen to my body when it is telling me to slow down. I try to be aware of how I respond to my family. I try, I try, I try….. But it is so hard when I have been shackled with this big ol’ boulder.
At first it slowed me down but I was able to carry on at a descent pace. You see Hope was pulling part of the burden for me. We were in this together! We were going to doctors and searching the internet. We were going to find the answer! But as time wore on and wore me out Hope would disappear for long stretches of time leaving me alone to carry the burden.
Now after I’ve carried this burden so long Hope often does more harm than good. She shows up all exciting and flashy and gets me excited thinking “this is it-this is the answer” only to leave me flat on my face and once again all alone to drag this boulder. I wish she would once again sit with me, listen to my troubles, and try to help me figure them out. I don’t want flashy. I want constant.
“Hope, it is the only thing stronger than fear. A little hope is effective, a lot of hope is
dangerous,” Snow declares.
Snow, of course, is President Snow from The Hunger Games.
I think this quote is too perfect for how I feel day-in and day-out. Maybe I should have just put the quote and been done. 🙂
But I can’t. Now I know many of you are thinking, “Nicole, you said you were a Christian. This is not a very Christian outlook or post.” So let me just say. I know I will be healed one day. I will not spend eternity like this. But, honestly, this knowledge does not help every night when I go to bed after a day of pain.
I know there is a reason for everything. including this boulder I drag around. I have more than hope in that.
- it! But I sure do wish Hope would come along and hold my hand. I do not want to carry this burden my entire time left here on Earth. I hope for answers. I hope for more than answers. I want the key to remove this shackle.